Sunday, April 16, 2006

A fashion show, khakis and murder

Location: A fashion week
Situation: Strict security, policemen deployed all around the venue to ensure there aren't any wardrobe malfunctions
Media buzz rating: High
Opposition parties in government: Pleased
Tempers of organisers: Rising

She sashayed onto the ramp with elan. Grace, poise and confidence seemed to be in plentiful tonight. And her body was perhaps the perfectly rotating trolley to display her designer's creations in front of the world. She was Maria - the cynosure of all eyes this evening.

The burgeoning police force at the venue was disturbing. Of course, most of them seemed like hedonists. And why not? Duty seemed like a distant responsibilty - wardrobes could just be the criminals tonight. Their eyes hovered continuously around the models' breasts, everytime hoping that some buttons would unlock by mistake and to their pleasure, the army of shutterbugs would go flash on the cameras.

Breasts weren't the only areas of observation today. Curves ruled and the voyeurs in khaki were mere flibbertigibbets about their real duty tonight. After all, brethren of Sunil More cannot be expected to sagaciously clean. Of course, all sheep aren't black like More, but let's face it, the gray ones know where the action is. And hence, even though they were dressed in khakis as usual, all Maria and a host of other contestants, could see tonight was gray.

All was fine, until a sophisticated Vikram Phadnis creation gave way. Flashbulbs went off, the cops raised the alarm, while the opposition party leaders sat up and took notice. A warning was sounded inside the ramp and the show returned to normal. It was 9pm and the heart of the show was just about to begin. This malfunction was let off with a warning. The ceiling caved in on AN Roy as Sainiks landed on his doorstep demanding more police to be staffed at the venue.

25 more constables were deployed and the already understaffeded police force of Mumbai was now bursting at its seams at the fashion show venue, hoping to ameliorate the situation. Rajdeep cried hoarse on News at 9 with battering eyelids, "Breaking news...we've just received another report of a wardrobe malfunction...that takes the total toll of police staff deployed at the venue to 54..."

Meanwhile, an intruder armed with a chopper had made his way into Matoshree. Security men in this area were deployed on emergency duty at the Fashion Week and most Sainiks were out on streets burning posters of semi-naked models. (Most of those semi-naked posters had been procured from the Sainik's bedrooms' secret cupboards.)The Shiv Sena supremo seemed to be at peace, busy writing his next editorial on police bandopbast regularly at fashion shows to ensure 'no malfunctions'.

Just when it seemed that things were in control, an already weird Ritu Beri creation acted even more weird giving the page-3 photographers food for their lenses. The model carried herself bravely though and not for even a single second was she intimidated by the frenzy of flashbulbs that captured the moment. Rajdeep was yelling now into the camera, ever delighted to be the first person to give the 'breaking news'..."Yet another wardrobe malfunction in a span of 7 minutes, our (excited) correspondent Paras Tomar got an exclusive glimpse of it..."

Sainiks went ballistic. Constables threatened to close down the show by jumping on the ramp with lathis. Frontbenchers Ness and Preity flared up their nostrils, while Salman was only glad that no malfunction happened in Katrina's costumes. AN Roy deployed 6 more constables now, most of whom were standing ludicruously close to the ramp. Another malfunction and the cops would have walked alongside the models like security guards.

Matoshree's intruder meanwhile made his way out of the compound with a smug look on his face and his fingers wiping the blood off his chopper with a napkin. His job was done. In another part of Mumbai, a businessman was looted of Rs.23 lakhs while he was on his way home. He found no constables to file an FIR when he reached the nearest police station.

And while the fashion week witnessed yet another wardrobe malfunction, this time cops brought the show to a close. The models were whisked away mysteriously, alarm bells were rung to stop this 'disgrace to our culture' by Sainiks who stormed the premises. Thousands of families across the nation saw pandemonium being telecast LIVE from Mumbai. Police resorted to lathi-charge to control the protestors, Rajdeep screamed hoarse into the camera...

The next day, newspapers were smattered with headlines...gory images of chaos at the fashion show, TV grabs of the bra that gave way. But the one headline that rocked the entire nation was right at the centre. Hindustan Times had this one:

Sanjeev Shivadekar, Mumbai

Shiv Sena Chief Bal Thackeray was found murdered in cold blood at his Matoshree residence last night. Supposedly writing the editorial for next day's edition of the party mouthpiece Saamna, a letter was found near his table addressed to him, written by a certain 'Cynic' who claimed to have killed him because he was "pissed off with extreme moral policing in daily life and now, on fashion shows" and "the deployment of security personnel for such a lame excuse, while several major issues of the city's security remained unnoticed..."

The End