The ten commandments of telecasting film industry award shows

The awards season is here.

Let’s get one thing straight. Very few of the top stars remain at the awards venue throughout the evening. They come, perform, see some trophies being given away - including their own, that's an important condition for their attendance - and then they disappear. While at the venue they smile at the stage, clap every now and then to ensure they're politically correct, and they also make expressions that indicate that they did understand Sajid Khan’s jokes. They also try not to contort their face too much during every gay act on stage. All in all, they try to make it appear as if this is the best awards function they've attended.

So what you watch on TV is a carefully stitched together montage of expressions and reactions, recorded through the course of one evening. After having seen these shows ad nauseum, I have arrived a few thumb rules than an editor must follow when processing the recorded footage for telecast. Some of them are as follows:

1. Thou shall always cut to Amitabh Bachchan’s expression’s when Rekha comes on stage, or even if there's a whiff of her mentioned. Works vice versa too. Lifetime achievement award for either of them? Did they stand up and applaud? No? Yes? Either ways, send the clip to the news channels. Breaking news. Amitabh (still) stands erect for Rekha.

2. Thou shall follow the same rule when Ranbir is dancing (pan camera to Deepika), Aishwarya (Salman Khan, Vivek Oberoi pe zoom in. Super zoom in into Amitabh Bachchan), Kareena Kapoor (Shahid Kapoor pe focus) and Priyanka Chopra (Shahid Kapoor again!) Each clip will be used in the marketing activity prior to the telecast, by using them in on-air promos, and looping them on Saas, Bahu aur Saazish.

3. Thou shall ensure you get some shots of rival actresses clapping when competition is performing. If Sonam is dancing, capture Deepika and Piggy Chops’ expressions. If Piggy Chops is giving an acceptance speech, cut to Kareena Kapoor's expressions. Zoom in close. Is that a smirk? Is that a shrug? Is that smoke bellowing out of her ears? Exercise the video editing suite! Zoom in.

4. Thou shall cut to either Rani, Kajol or Shah Rukh Khan clapping, whenever Karan Johar is on stage. We Are Family, after all. And whenever there's a question asked, "Karan why are you still single?", cut to SRK's embarassed expression.

5. Thou shall immediately capture the disappointment on the loser nominees' faces, when the trophy goes to someone else. Preferably show images of someone who is clapping. Arre bhai, sportsmanship bhi toi baat banti hai ki nahi?

6. Thou shall insert video clip of either of the Khans, or the Chopras, clapping furiously with a glee on their face, whenever a winner is announced for an award which doesn’t hold much merit in the eyes of stars, e.g. best background score, or best sound design.

7. Thou shall not search for Aamir Khan in the audience. He doesn’t attend awards, even if he’s slated to win the best actor or even best editor. Right Anusha?

8. Thou shall zoom into Ashutosh Gowariker’s facial expressions every time Sajjid Khan speaks. Thou shall photoshop smoke or fumes next to Gowariker's ears, click a picture and circulate it over e-mail.

9. Thou shall show the show-stopper performance of the evening, in the Coming Up Next section every time the programme goes in for a commercial break.

10. Thou shall keep soundtracks of Star Wars, Jurassic Park ready for use, every time an award is announced and the recipient walks up on stage to collect it.